I can only wish for such strength

I did a search for a local company today and ended up finding a blog post about it. Well, that was a family blog written by a mother and I followed some links of her to other blogs written by mommies. One of those blogs led to more links, and more, until I ended up at a blog called Living Out Loud.

...That I can do anything through Christ Jesus.....I am strong....in Him... and He loves you deeply....with no reservation.....you have tremendous value & worth to Him

I read this post of hers, and I've been sitting her for about 15 minutes thinking of nothing but that. So many feelings are running through me right now. Feelings of sympathy (this poor woman), empathy (too many words were too close to home), anger (how could this be done to her?), admiration (I can only wish for her strength), and jealousy.

Yes, jealousy.

I admire her greatly for what she has been able to do, with such a strong faith in God that she can overcome the most basic feelings of anger within her and make herself a better person because of what was done to her. I'm jealous, because I'm not sure I have that strength. I'm not sure I could have such... forgiveness without being hardened by it. I forgave my dad (twice) for the things he had done to our family, but I didn't do it without putting a little steel cage on my heart. In the end, I was betrayed again. That steel cage is now locked and sealed. How can a person be so open and trusting again? Does it require a faith? Does it require God? Is that the answer?

2007 was such an introspective year for me. A lot of time was spent looking at myself, at how I react with other people, at my previous actions, and rethinking about what I want to be, what I want others to perceive, the type of person I want to be. A large part of it has also been an exploration of my spirituality.

I'm an atheist. There. I said it. Few know this about me. In fact, without wanting to, my best friend recently made a joke asking me if I was. When I didn't reply at first, she asked again. And again. Incredulously. We were on the phone, and when I finally answered yes, I was met with silence. Dead silence. Lasting at least 10 seconds long. Do you know how long 10 seconds is when you're on the phone with someone? A lifetime. I finally asked if she was still there and she stammered back that she was. "Really? REALLY?" she kept saying. "But I thought that you prayed at night." No. I assured her that being an atheist did NOT mean that I didn't have a very strict set of morals (largely borrowed from Christianity, thank you very much) that I instill in my children on a daily basis.

We've since moved past our differences. (She later assured me that she loved me as a friend no matter what, easing my fears that I'd lost a friend due to my revelation.) No more talk about religion or politics. We differ drastically on those as well. {smile}

Living in the South -- in the Bible Belt -- has definitely exposed me to levels of Christianity that I hadn't known before. Growing up, my mother was a non-practicing Baptist. My father was a non-practicing Greek Orthodox. My mother converted, and she and my siblings and I were baptized Greek Orthodox (but only once we were old enough to make the decision ourselves, not at birth.) We attended church semi-regularly for two or three years, but then my parents got fed up with church politics and hypocracy and declared that our own house was as good a place to worship God as any other. What counted was the sincerity in your heart.

Over the years, my parents exposed us to many religions as well. Our closest family friends were Jewish and we celebrated Passover with them on occasion. I attended Catholic schools. One of my best friends was Hindu, and let me attend Hindu ceremonies with her family. I was a religious mutt. I loved learning about all the different beliefs and cultures... but none of them felt like "home." I just couldn't make myself truly believe in any of them. And I didn't want to force it or pretend.

Over the years I explored a few other religions. Buddhism seemed like the best fit for a while before I found Taoism. I read the Tao te Ching when I was in high school and it was as if I'd settled into a warm bath. With candles. And wine. A big sigh of relief. Now here was something that fit like a glove. I can't say that I've followed it or lived "The Way" as closely as I would have liked over the years. I still don't believe in any sort of anthropomorphic God. Science still plays a bigger part in my view of the world than mysticism does.

Still, I wouldn't call myself a Taoist. I'll never be able to give my spirituality a label because, to me, it's truly a personal thing. To me, anything already labeled was done so because they were the beliefs of that person.

I have a feeling that 2008 will be a further exploration of what I do believe and where I see it fitting in with my daily life. I've found a truly wonderful book called The Tao of Motherhood and I read a passage from it every night. It's basically the Tao te Ching from the perspective of parenting. I can't begin to tell you how much this has done to my outlook each day and how I approach some of the challenges of being a mom. It's what I needed. A time-out. Time each day to reflect on my the type of person I am. Self-awareness. My version of church services on Sunday.

What does this have to do with that woman's blog post? Well, I read what she wrote about her love of God and Jesus and I was jealous of that act of faith. Jealous that she had a God to trust and lean back on. Trust that someone, something, would always be there to take care of her. It must be nice. I can't say that I'll ever feel that depth of trust. And I guess that's exactly what I'm referring to when I always talk about being able to "fall back on your faith." It really is like falling back, isn't it? Like the "trust fall" at one of those work retreats.

So the part of my beliefs that I'm struggling with is the part that deals with disappointment and hurt and fear -- all those basic emotions. I've never relied or fallen back on anything. Ever. I've been the one to get myself through those times. But you know what? I'm 30 years old and I'm starting to get tired. Really tired. How nice it would be to just let it all go each day. To just let go and fall back back back, knowing that something would be there to catch you.

You'll probably be seeing more posts about this in the coming year. Now that I've "outed" myself, I feel the freedom to write about some of the things I'm discovering and learning along the way. I told myself when I started this blog that I would never discuss religion and politics. I didn't want to invite any debates about things so close to everyone's heart. And I still feel that way. I truly respect the journey each person makes in discovering their beliefs, and I hope that everyone will respect mine. I'm not looking to be converted or persuaded in any way. As I said before, this is a journey I'm making, a personal one. Anything with a label just won't fit, and I don't feel like going on a spiritual diet.