August 2007 Archives
August 24, 2007
Grateful Friday
- We get to pick up Sindri this evening. They kept him overnight for observation. I'm anxious to see him and even the girls have been talking today about how they miss him and want to go get him tonight. I thought they hadn't even noticed.
- I'm thankful that not all public toilets automatically flush. Josie had one flush while she was on it the other day and now refuses to use any restroom other than ours at home -- and even then only if we assure her that ours does not flush by itself. It's made for some difficult shopping trips. Three times already we've had to leave a store as soon as we got there because she had to go potty and we needed to take her home to do so. I'm not sure how to get her past this fear other than constantly reassuring her and showing her how toilets flush manually.
- The gigantic watermelon from my stepdad's garden. He always loads us up with fresh fruit and vegetables in the summer, most of which we have to give to friends because we can't eat them in time. This time he gave us the biggest watermelon I've seen in a long time. I used about 2/3 of it, and ended up giving the rest to some neighbors. The girls, who usually love melon, informed me that they didn't want any. They now only like "the orange kind" (ie. cantaloupe)
- How loving our two little girls are. Lately, they need to bring their stuffed animals (sometimes numbering in the double digits) with us in the car wherever we go. There's always a mother, father, big sister, little sister, grandma, grandpa, best friend, etc. Each of them has a name and a role. Maddie and Josie each have a collection. Yes, our car is so full you can barely see the kids in the backseat. It's sweet, though, to hear them talk to the animals and make them, in turn, talk to one another. The other day we were heading to the bookstore when Josie started putting two big rubber balls into her backpack. "No, Jo, we can't throw the balls in the store. We'll get in trouble." No, Mommy, this is the mama and the baby. I just holding them.
August 23, 2007
Update on Sindri
We took Sindri in for his surgery this morning. We were debating whether or not to get his leg amputated up until about midnight last night. We finally made the decision to go ahead and have it done. It felt awful taking away a leg that he seemed to be using pretty well (besides the limping), but we'd read that leaving it and waiting for it to actually break from the tumor would be a much worse, incredibly painful fate. So we decided to go ahead with the surgery.
The vet called this evening and said Sindri did pretty well. He made it through the surgery. (We weren't positive that would happen.) The tumor hadn't made it's way into the shoulder joint yet, so he was able to just remove the leg and not any of the scapula (longer procedure and more healing time). Sindri will be out of it until tomorrow morning so we're not sure how he'll be once he wakes up. We've been assured that he'll heal and adjust to three legs pretty quickly, but it still doesn't take away the guilt of doing this at all.
Our initial worries about the amputation this past week concerned his quality of life. The dog loves to run. Period. Would we be affecting his remaining days by providing him with a disability? And further discussion with our vet confirmed that we were really having unrealistic expectations to be thinking that he'll live even 6 months at the most. Anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months left, and we'd be taking good time out of that for him to recover from an elective surgery. You can see how hard it was to make this decision. We'll get to pick him up tomorrow around 5pm and bring him home, assuming everything goes well during the day.
The hardest part of this is going to be how to explain it to the girls. I mean, it's one thing to tell them, when the time comes, that he went to "live on a farm," but it's another to say he went to the doctor and came home missing a leg. I can only imagine the types of fears that will start for us and their future pediatrician appointments.** We've been prepping them and talking about how he had a hurt leg and it won't hurt any more. I've made sure to note more than a few times that that kind of thing won't happen to them AT ALL when they go to the doctor -- it's special only for dogs that are sick. Not completely true, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
** Josie had a toilet automatically flush while she was on it the other day and now she won't use public restrooms at all. We've had to leave stores minutes after we've gotten there so she can go home and use the toilet. We don't need to add any more to her current repertoire of fears.
August 14, 2007
Where do I begin?
Bill picked us up and helped put Sindri in the car. We got there and they did the normal check, looked at his leg and decided to do some x-rays. At first we thought there might be matted hair between the pads on his paws or maybe it was caused by a little fluid-filled cyst he had up on his shoulder. Either way, we weren't prepared for what we heard.
The vet came in and suggested one of us take the girls to the waiting
area while he explained what was wrong. Bill suggested I take the girls
and I immediately looked at the vet and knew. I just knew. I started
to tear up but held it together as I took the girls to the hallway. I
knew it was bad but I just didn't know the details.
I first got Sindri when I was in my last year at college. Bill and I
had been together for about a year and half, and he had just moved to
Atlanta to take a job. I missed him so much. We'd been together almost
constantly since we met so it was a big adjustment not to see him every
day. When the lease was up on my apartment that summer, I moved into a
house with two other girls. I fully intended to get a dog. I'd always
wanted one of my own and I knew having one would keep my mind off
missing Bill.
I went to the Humane Society in the next town on a Friday afternoon. I was determined to get a small or medium-sized, short-haired dog. I was only going to look at first. I didn't want to make a hasty decision, so I'd look and then think about it before coming back on the following Monday. I looked at all the dogs and was drawn to a litter of puppies they had just gotten in. There were about 6 of them, so tiny, only 6 weeks old. They'd been discovered by a local farmer. All of them were brown except for one small black one. He was the tiniest one and kept getting pushed away whenever he tried to get to the food or water bowl. I picked him up and held him. He nuzzled my neck and let me hold him. For a minute, I thought he'd fallen asleep.
I knew right then that he was the one. Those big brown eyes just stared at me. I signed the paperwork, agreed to have him neutered, and he was mine. On the ride home, he lay in my lap for a while and then crawled under my seat. We drove straight to PetSmart so I could get a leash and dogfood and a crate and make an appt. for his surgery. I brought him home and the two of us became inseparable. I took him for walks (on which he tired so quickly, being so little. I ended up carrying him quite a lot.) I took him to the park. I even took him to get ice cream. The picture below was taken one day and actually run in the local newspaper.
I named him Sindri. It means "little elf" in Norse Mythology. It also happens to be the name of Bjork's son. But that was purely coincidence. I couldn't help that the name fit him perfectly. He was a little elf, with ears that stood straight up and the tiniest little body, the runt of the litter.
He was, and still is, an athletic and energetic dog. He loves to run
and chase a ball. He's also the sweetest and, I mean this only with
love, dumbest dog I've ever met. His happy little face just stares up
at you and shows glee whenever you pet him or play with him. I sound
cruel, but it's true. Potty-training didn't come easy for him, and
learning tricks was never his strong talent. But he was, and is, so
lovable and meek and has never EVER bitten anyone. He's terribly afraid
of small dogs: our neighbors in our last apartment had a chihuahua and
he would freak out and whine whenever he saw it. He's my buddy. He
slept with me up until I became pregnant with the girls. He was with me
when Bill and I broke up and moved apart for a while. He waits
patiently for Bill to walk in the door each evening when he comes home
from work, nearly pushing the girls out of the way as they wait as well.
Sindri has cancer. It's in his leg, near the shoulder right now, but we don't know how much it has spread to the other areas of his body. He has anywhere from two weeks to six months to live. After weighing all our options, we've decided to get his leg amputated. It won't cure the cancer, but it will at least take away the pain in that area for now. He's already on some painkillers to make it easier on him. He'll be able to enjoy life a little more until the other symptoms start showing up. The vet assures us that he'll have no trouble adapting to walking with three legs. The recovery will be quick: only about 10 days. Assuming everything goes well with the surgery, we'll be able to take him to the park (his favorite) and play with him once the skin has healed.
You can't even imagine how I feel right now. It's not just grief over his illness and what's to come. It's the fact that I've neglected and ignored him for so long. Since the girls have been born, I've just been overwhelmed with caring for two little people and I've barely remembered to feed the dogs at times. We used to take them to the park every weekend, but I honestly can't remember the last time we've done that in the past three years. I've yelled at he and Mallory (our other dog). Off the couch! Off the bed! I've gotten incredibly angry when they've had an accident or chewed something they shouldn't have. I've been downright mean. And you know what? That stupid dog still comes up to me and looks at me with those big brown eyes and loves me and wants to be petted.
You hear about people's pets dying all the time, but I guess I underestimated how it would feel. Even my childhood dog, Peke, who died last year didn't make me feel this way. Maybe it was the distance and time since I'd been with her. Either way, I know that this hurts. A lot. My only consolation is that we know we have a little more time with him. I can finally treat him the way he deserves. Countless treats. Sleeping on the bed. Lying on the couch. And lots of love and physical affection.
August 9, 2007
What the...?
Is this NOT the scariest thing you've seen in a long
time? Seriously, I can only look at it for a few seconds before getting
chills.
Grateful Friday
- Finding Josie's glasses after they'd been lost for over a week. It was bittersweet, though. We found them (okay, Maddie found them) the day after we bought her some new ones. Insurance only covers lenses every year and frames every two years so we had to pay the entire cost out of pocket. In a sense, we just spent a couple hundred dollars on something we didn't need afterall. At least she has a backup pair now. Ouch.
- The birthday party for the daughters of some really close friends of ours. Their girls and our girls play together wonderfully, and like always, we were the last ones to leave the party. On the way there, Bill instructed me that we wouldn't be staying long like we always do. And then who was the one who had to be dragged out of there? You guessed it.
- 12 straight hours of sleep. I didn't realize how tired I was until Monday night when I fell asleep on our bed around 9:30pm (Bill was watching the girls while I had time to myself to read) and didn't wake up again until 9:30am. That is so NOT like me. It was nice, though.
- Heading to a baby shower this weekend for a friend of mine from high school. The last time I saw her was at my wedding, and we've both since had a lot of changes in our lives. She and I lived together on the same floor of our dorm for two years in high school, and she ended up going to college 30 minutes away from the one I attended as a freshman. About six years ago, we took a road trip to Key West -- something I'll probably devote a whole chapter to in my future autobiography. I'm looking forward to seeing her and hanging out at the beach right by her house. Oh, and I'll be leaving the girls home with Bill. It will just be me, my mom, and my sister on a little girls' road trip. Mommy's weekend away!
- The town birthday celebration last weekend. Live music, cake, fireworks. It was incredibly hot so we didn't get there until about 8:30, which means we missed the cake but had plenty of time before the fireworks. We found a nice spot away from the crowds, laid out our blanket, and watched the fireworks. Unfortunately, we ended up sitting right in the path of the wind from the fireworks so we got covered with ash and various cardboard bits. Still, it was fun.
- There's so much silliness around our house these days. Both girls insist on being little comediennes. And watch out if you give them even a little bit of chocolate -- both will literally run around in circles giggling and making silly noises and faces. It's funny, until it's time to get dressed or get their shoes on or get them to do anything in general.
- Pools, or large bodies of water in general. For the Northerners reading this, you might not know that we've had temps in the 100s all week, with the heat index even higher. On the few times we've gone outside at all, it's been to the pool, though even that water was lukewarm. When it's still the high 80s at night, you know you've got a hot day coming.
August 4, 2007
A little about me
Via Baby Faith.
Are your parents married or divorced? Divorced. That's not always a bad thing, though I hope to never experience it myself.
Do you believe in heaven? Not in the traditional sense, but at times I do feel like my loved ones who have passed are still with me. In a familiar scent, in the way things that we shared suddenly appear again. It's hard to explain, but like I mentioned before, energy can't be destroyed. It has to go somewhere, so maybe there is a hint of my grandmother in the beautiful flower outside my window that makes me smile each morning.
Have you ever come close to dying? Not that I can recall. Aren't we all close to dying, though?
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? My wedding ring. It's one thing about which I'm very sentimental. Bill has mentioned getting a new one someday, but I don't want one. These rings (engagement and band) were the ones we wore during our wedding and I feel like they carry some of that promise with them. We'd have to renew our vows or something if we got new ones.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yes, but I'm always confused as to why this is a question always listed on these things. Is it really that much of a debate? I like broccoli stems, cooked or raw. Actually, I like almost all fruits and veggies raw, but broccoli is one of the few that I really like steamed as well.
Do you wear makeup? Most of the time, yes. My complexion is very fair, so it's almost mandatory for me to put on at least a little blush or concealer and lipgloss. In high school, all I had to do was not wear makeup one day and teachers would insist that I go home because I "looked sick." Flattering, huh? Now, though, I find that I actually start to break out when I don't wear any for a couple of days. Not sure why, but it's true. It's almost like I need that barrier. Plus, it has sunscreen so I feel like it's needed.
Would you ever have plastic surgery? When I was younger, I swore I never would. Well, that was when my body parts were younger as well. I'm still unsure about all the options, and I think there are some extreme cases out there that aren't necessary, but I also think if that's what it takes to make you feel better about yourself, then go right ahead but be careful. There are definitely some areas I'd consider for myself.
What do you wear to bed? This is probably TMI, but I
really prefer to sleep in the nude. That's changed over the last year
or so, though, when the girls would wake up in the middle of the night
with nightmares or needing to use the potty or wanting a sip of water.
Now, it's usually one of Bill's t-shirts and my pajama pants. I've
actually bought myself some nice pajamas but in the end I keep going
back to what's comfortable.
Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes.
Can you roll your tongue? Yes.
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? I have friends who are both girls and boys.
Do you believe in abortions? I talk about personal stuff on this blog, but I'm not touching this question with a ten foot pole. Let's just say I have my own opinion about this topic.
What is your hair colour? Now? Medium blonde with platinum and red highlights. Previously? Almost every color that Clairol sells. Black, dark brown, bright red, auburn red, platinum, slightly green (mistake), purpleish red. I'm still on the fence as to whether I want to go back to dark red again, like I had for my wedding and throughout both pregnancies. Naturally, my hair was platinum blonde as a toddler, turned strawberry blonde as a child, and then turned "dishwater blonde" as a teenager and stayed that way. It hasn't been my natural color since I was in middle school, so I have no idea what it would be now.
Future child's name, boy and girl? We're still on the fence about whether there will be any future kids, but needless to say we pretty much have both names picked out already. We considered one for Josie that we'd probably now use for another girl. Our boy's name would have been the same that we had from the beginning, when we didn't know whether Maddie was a boy or girl, but we've since had doubts about it. There's something about knowing a person with a particular name and then having that name changed in your mind forever. Still, the boy's name would probably be a variation of Bill's first or middle names.
Do you smoke? No. I've never been a cigarette person.
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? A few months ago I would have said Iceland, but now I'd honestly go anywhere. I'm up for anything. I want to see everything, so I have no limits.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Nope. The dogs used to sleep with us until I became pregnant with Maddie. There was barely enough room in our bed for me and Bill, much less two dogs.
If you won the lottery, what would you do first? I guess it all depends on how much I won. First, I'd pay off bills and then do something extravagant like travel the world.
Gold or Silver? Silver, or platinum, or white gold. It just looks better with my skin.
Hamburger or hot dog? Depends on my mood. I'm pretty picky about my hamburgers, though.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? I'm sure there's a better answer, but right now all I can think of is lasagna. I'm really craving lasagna right now.
City, beach or country? In the country, on a small beach, but within very close driving distance of a big city. I need the amenities of a big city, but I also love my nature and peace and quiet.
What was the last thing you touched? Josie. I was cuddling her because she just fell off the couch.
When's the last time you cried? Full on cry? Last week. I do get a little teary-eyed quite a lot, though.
What colour are your pants? Black.
Ever been involved with the police? I dated a security guard once. Does that count?
What's your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I really like Pantene for hair. I've tried others that are much more expensive, but I love how soft Pantene makes my hair. Soap? Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap. Love love love it. I started using it in college when I tried some of my roommate's once. I became hooked. Somewhere along the way I forgot about it until a couple of months ago. I now need that peppermint smell in the mornings. Plus, it has so many uses. Speaking of Dr. Bronner, I just saw a documentary about him on IFC. Anyone else see that?
Do you talk in your sleep? I don't think so. Bill mentioned once that I was mumbling but I don't think it's a regular thing. I'll ask him. I do remember once in college where my roommate swore that I woke up in the middle of the night, looked at her, and said, "Coca-Cooooola" in a Spanish accent.
Ocean or pool? Live by the ocean and play in it a little, but swim in a pool. I get freaked out by the idea of little fish touching my feet. I always fear that they'll eat my toes. My fears were affirmed recently when we were at the beach and Bill's nipple got nibbled by a fish while he was swimming. No lie.
What's your favourite song at the moment? A few: "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. "Earth Intruders" by Bjork. "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor.
Have you ever had a cavity? Unfortunately, yes. My children and I have the wonderful genetic gift of having teeth with "very deep crevices." It's almost impossible for us not to get a cavity, which explains why, regardless of strong dental hygiene, my three year old has already had her first one. Luckily they now do sealants to help with that problem.
Window seat or aisle seats? Window. I'm not jaded by the wonder of flying, so I always love to see the view. Plus, it's better for supporting your pillow.
Ever met anyone famous? Yes, but for some reason I can't remember them. Honestly, where is my mind today?
Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? Yes. For a while, a couple of years ago, I went through a period where I felt that I wasn't living up to my what I could have been. I think the problem with attending the high school I did is that they fill you with lots of hopes and expectations -- both yours and theirs. Save the world. Become rich. Discover new theories in quantum physics. Etc. I looked around at some of my former classmates and felt so... normal. I was supposed to be something great, right? I wasn't sure if my education had intended for me to be a housewife. I probably sound incredibly pompous, but it's how I was feeling. Now I don't even care about others' expectations of me. I live to be happy, and if I can do that then I'm successful in life. I have an incredible life right now and I couldn't ask for more. Truly.
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut? Cut. I'm a baby, but seriously, do you really want to see me eat and get it all over my face? I'll spare you that.
Are you self-conscious? Most of the time, yes. I'm always conscious of how I'm making another person feel when I'm with them. I probably take other people's feelings into account too much, which is why mine have been hurt pretty often.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No.
Last gift you received? I couldn't tell you exactly. Bill is always bringing me home little things, from a brownie to a magazine he thinks I'd like to tickets to see Bjork in concert.
What occasion did you receive your gift? No reason. Just because he loves me, I guess.
Last thing you spent lots of money on? We, as a couple, just bought a package to Disney in October. That was a pretty big amount. Otherwise, I'm the type of person who spends just a little here and there, but never a lot all at once. To me, it doesn't seem Iike I'm spending a lot, but Bill reminds me that, yes, it does add up.
Where do you live? "Et-lanta." It's really Atlanta, Georgia, but if you live here you have to pronounce it "Et-lanta" like everyone else.
Favourite restaurant? My best friend just asked me this a few days ago and my response was, "What category?" Italian? Spaghetti Warehouse. Thai? Surin of Thailand. Mexican? Nuevo Laredo Cantina. American? Redamak's in New Buffalo, Michigan.
What is your favourite kind of car? I'm not a big car person. I couldn't care what I drive, but I do like the Mazda and Suburu wagons.
What's your least favourite chore(s)? Laundry. I'm very lucky that Bill takes on that responsibility and does it all himself (he actually doesn't want me to touch it because I've shrunk a few things of his.)
Favourite drink? Sadly, Coke.
With booze? Sometimes with rum.
August 3, 2007
Grateful Friday
Our two Cinderellas
- Bill's summer work hours. He gets home early (for him) on Fridays and we get the chance to start our weekend off early. I love weekends with him home. We try not to schedule anything with anyone else if we can help it, just so we can have that time all to ourselves.
- The warm fuzzies I get when I hear that my friend has mentioned me to her other friends and told them that I'm "a very sweet person." P-shaw.
- Activities! This new mom's group has been great because there are activities for kids almost every day of the week. We haven't gone to every one, but it's nice to be able to pick and choose so freely, and to be able to know people whenever you do go. This week the girls went to a "Pick a Princess Ballet Class" at a local dance studio. Basically, it's a little ballet class, but they center it around one of the Disney princesses. The class Maddie and Josie attended was for Cinderella. It was the first time I'd seen them in a class together, without me, interacting with each other and the other kids. The moms were able to watch from outside the door. It was so cute, and I took lots of pictures.
- A very special moment during the above mentioned ballet class: At one point, the instructor asked everyone to find a partner. Even though one of Maddie's good friends was in the class with her, she and Josie immediately walked over to one another and held hands. I literally got teary-eyed. All the moms around me went, "Awwwww!" in unison. I love seeing them express the love they have for each other.
- And speaking of ballet... Josie will be in Maddie's ballet class starting again in September. She had started her own class for the summer, but it was canceled due to low enrollment. Josie was upset, and I felt awful because she talked about her teacher and the class all the time. Now she and Maddie will be in Miss Mary's class together. I'm not sure I'll know what to do with myself. During the princess class, I realized it was the first time I'd actually sat by myself while the girls were both involved in something without me. Until now, I've had Josie stay with me or we've done Mommy and Me stuff.
- Watching The Wizard of Oz with Bill and the girls at the park last weekend. Our city hosts "movies under the stars" once a month. This was the first one we'd been to all summer. We arrived early, staked out a spot, and let the girls play at the playgroup while we waited for it to get dark. Once the movie started it rained just a little, but not enough for anyone to get too uncomfortable (we were under the umbrella and some plastic anyway.) The girls loved the movie. The rain cooled everything off and it was nice just sitting there with my little family on a summer evening.
- Discovering an indoor playground. Not one of the jumpy, inflatable places. Just a local church with an area devoted entirely to any equipment manufactured by Little Tikes or Fisher Price. It's carpeted AND fenced off so the kids can't run off. Did I mention it's indoors? No worries about sunburn or overheating or dehydration (96 degrees today!) There are a couple of playhouses, some climbing gyms for preschoolers, some toddler climbers, etc. Basically, Maddie and Josie just ran around like banshees and wore themselves out while I sat back with some moms and watched them. Didn't have to worry about them falling and hurting themselves much, thanks to the carpeting and padding under the gyms. The absolute best part? It's absolutely friggin' free! The church runs a preschool in the mornings, but in the afternoons you can just go and let the kids play. Isn't that awesome? I'd have loved a place like that as a kid.
- Seeing Amy Grant and Vince Gill in concert at Chastain. It rained. A lot. But we didn't mind so much and no one else did either. Instead of candelabras, it was a sea of umbrellas. The girls loved it -- Maddie danced in the rain and Josie loved cuddling up under the umbrella. We packed a nice dinner and some wine, and just enjoyed ourselves before walking back to the car completely drenched. We stripped the girls down, dried them off, put them in their jammies, into their carseats, and they were out of it before we even got close to home. I'm not a huge fan of Amy Grant or Vince Gill, but Bill got free tickets and we had nothing to do that night. It's not that I don't enjoy their music, but I just probably wouldn't have paid to see them. We couldn't get a babysitter at such a late notice, and we had 4 tickets so we took the girls. It was actually pretty nice seeing a concert together, all 4 of us.
- I'm grateful for the fact that a birthday party we attended this week, during the day, on the hottest day of the summer so far, was a POOL party. The girls had fun in the water and I was more than obliged to go in with them.
- Social networking sites. I've gotten in touch with friends I haven't spoken to in years. I'd searched for them, but couldn't find them until now. I've even found one of my old high school teachers. It's great being able to reconnect with old friends and acquaintances.
- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Here's my routine: I go to bed, turn on the episode of The Daily Show that I've recorded on the DVR, watch and repeatedly laugh out loud to the point that Bill comes in to see what's so funny, catch up on current events, fall asleep. I almost always fall asleep right after the guest interview. Sometimes I'll be awake for the "moment of zen," but most likely I've fallen asleep with a smile on my face. I have to have the TV on to fall asleep. When I was a baby, my mom put a radio in my room near my crib as soon as I was home from the hospital. She wanted me to get used to sleeping with noise. We've done the same with the girls, at first with NPR playing, but now with a CD of recorded wave sounds. No tiptoeing around babies in our house! Unfortunately, Bill likes to sleep with it completely dark and silent. We've worked out a system over the last 9 years or so wherein I always go to bed first, fall asleep to the TV, and then he turns it off when he comes to bed. He's such a night owl anyway that the timing of it is perfect.
- Going without drinking any Coke for about a week and barely missing it at all now. Sometimes I think about it and miss the sugar rush, but then I'll have a drink and it just doesn't taste good at all. Yay! Now if I can only keep from drinking them regularly again.
- The Community Center. I started working out at their gym (free!) one or two evenings after the girls have gone to bed. Now I'm taking a yoga class. I haven't actually taken a class in a long, long time. I do yoga at home, not very consistently, but I'd forgotten how supportive it can be to practice with a class and have a real live human guide you through the asanas. I'm trying to get a friend of mine to go with me next week.
- Chocolate pudding. 'Nuff said.
