Who's out there?

I'm constantly battling my nervousness over who actually reads this site. I don't think I've been mean or hurt anyone in any way. Or at least I hope not. I've made a few jokes (and complaints) about my mom, but they're nothing that I haven't told her in person. Still, lately I've been worrying about some of the topics on which I want to post.

One of the things that Bill told me when I started this blog a little over a year ago (has it been a year already?) is not to worry at all about stats or comments. It would affect my writing, he said. I listened to him and things were great for a while. But then I started getting a little popular. More comments and new people and old ones. It's like being the popular girl in school for once. It's a high to know other people are interested in you, except when you think you need to live up to their expectations of you. I have no ideas what those expectations are. Are people growing tired of my whining?

And I'm not saying that anyone has been anything other than completely nice. I feel like I've actually made some new friends, halfway across the country, just by communication through our blogs. To my new friends, Hello, and I'm so glad to have met you and made a connection.

But then I start thinking about who else might be reading this. Old friends? Family members? Ex-boyfriends? Coworkers? That crazy cashier at the grocery store?

Why should I worry? What does it matter? Well, the people who make me nervous the most about reading it are the ones I haven't seen in years, decades even. How will I be perceived now? Especially compared to the person I used to be. Will I offend them? I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Am I revealing too much about myself when I joke about sex or silly stuff between Bill and I?

I loved the idea of De-Lurker Week, but no one participated except for two readers who I'm already aware of. Who else is out there?? Make yourselves known!

I don't know. It's all silly, really. There are so many things I want to write, though, so I'm going to have to move past this little fear. I never discuss politics or religion with friends or family (other than Bill) but there is so much I want to say here. So much that affects my life and thoughts. But of course I worry about offending anyone reading those thoughts.

Oh well. I'm going to have to write those things. I want to. I need to say them out loud. And I apologize in advance if what I write offends you. I'm not looking for a debate. I might even close comments altogether. I'm just putting things out there. If you agree, great. If you don't, great. I need to remember why I started this blog. It's for me. It's an outlet for me. It's the part of me that isn't wiping snotty noses or making dinner. It's all me. And I guess I'm finally becoming ok with people seeing that, be they from 10 years ago or 10 days ago.