S-T-R-E-T-C-H

It's "Getting to Know You Day" at CaC and today's topic is stretching beyond your comfort zone. So, I'll attempt to answer these questions with complete honesty, even if they're embarrassing:

1a. What is one thing about your body that you hate, deny, talk trash about?
I absolutely hate my ankles (ala "cankles). I've always been really petite, except for my ankles. For a long time, from high school up until I met Bill, I refused to wear shorts. I'm also really pale so the combo isn't so pretty. Bill finally helped me to come out of my shell about them, but I still hate seeing pictures of myself in shorts. I'm also developing serious spider veins (genetic, yay!), so basically I just hate my legs in general.

1b. What can you do to make friends with this part and show it a little love?
Oh, God, is that possible? I've looked into sclerotherapy for the veins (expensive). I usually use a light self- tanner for the paleness (temporary). I've heard mixed reviews about developing better calf muscles to visually offset the largeness of my ankles (haven't tried yet, but I'll add that to my "exercise more" resolution this year). There'a plastic surgery option that is relatively new, where they take a little off the ankles, but there's a big possibility the problem will return. Basically, it's going to take a lot to make me love them.

2a. What is one thing about your home that doesn't feel good?
I could say lots of things, but I really do love our little house. That is, except for the damn animal smells. As much as I try to clean it there's always a dog or cat smell. The dog smell isn't so bad, but the cat... Well, let's just say that the woman who lived here before us had about four cats, all of whom didn't seem to like their litter box. We have a cat too, so that just adds to the problem. I hate not being able to do much about it until we replace all of our carpeting.

2b. What is one thing you can do to change that?
Um, keep steam cleaning the hell out of our carpets? Making sure our cat has lots of access to her litter box? Apologizing profusely to people who visit our house for the first time? Oh yeah, and eventually get new carpeting.

3a. Is there a relationship that you have difficulty with?
Oh man. Probably my stepdad (the first one) who I really don't have a relationship with at all. He was a good guy, loved us and had a big impact on who I am today. But he sort of went nuts when I became a teenager. He had a heart attack and then a mid-life crisis and just left our family, showing himself to be a horrible person in the process. I'm always trying to see things from his point of view, to understand why is the way he is. I know he had a tough life, but I also know that he wasn't a nice person before he met my mom, so it's tough to justify that he was still a nice person after he met her and prior to the mid-life thing. I'm not his daughter biologically (which he has since reminded me) but I was the first to forgive him after everything happened. I let him back into my life (twice) only to be burned again. He just won't take responsibility for the mistakes he's made. I finally realized that I had to cut ties altogether for my own sanity's sake. It hurts a little to know that he's is a lonely old man with no one to take care of him, but I also knwo that he's done that to himself. I never want to see anyone hurt, but there's not much I can do now. So yeah, that's a really difficult relationship for me.

3b. What is something small you can do to either salvage it or come to terms with the way it is now?
Like I said, I need to keep it a nonexistent relationship for now. Perhaps in the future things might change, but I don't hold any hope for that. He has no interest in getting to know his grandchildren. The only thing I can do is wish him the best in the life he's chosen.

4a. Is there something you are afraid to do, but would like to try it?
For years and years I've thought about contacting my biological father. It's a little secret in the back of my head, that I've only just revealed to Bill and my mom. I don't want a relationship with him at all. I just want to find him and look him in the face and see if I look like him, see if we share anything in common. Sometimes I think about confronting him and telling him I'm his daughter, but that would be worthless. I just want to see him. I was so scared to tell my mom, for fear of hurting her. A few weeks ago I finally asked her to tell me about him, about what happened when I was born. 30 years and I finally asked her. I know it hurt her to talk about it, and she kept trying to dissuade me from wanting to meet him, not understanding that I don't want to meet him, just see him. People have always said I look like my mom, but in truth I don't. I don't share many characteristics at all with her or my brother and sister. I found out that my petiteness probably comes from his mother, who was small and also really fair. That was the biggest thing for me to know at all. Just to know where I got pieces of who I am. Can we say "Daddy issues," anyone?

4b. What can you do to begin a plan to try it?
I found out where he works (a cement plant about 20 miles away from where my mom lives) and I someday plan to go in and get a quote for some cement or something. Just to see him and hear him talk. It's something I've thought of doing for the past 25 years. Then I can be content.

Wow, I honestly hadn't even read these questions before pasting them hear and answering them. That was tough, but also cathartic. This week's "Getting to Know You Day" really is deep.