November 2006 Archives

So, I starred in my first movie. That's right, I'm an actress!

Bill is writing and directing a movie for work. They have an annual inter-office film festival where they show original 5-minute movies. He wrote a really great screenplay that got chosen to be one of the films shown this year. He's been working on the project for weeks, auditioning actors, setting up locations, etc. Unfortunately, weather and our vacation haven't left much time for error. His original shoot was scheduled right before we left for Indiana, but it rained all day (the movie takes place in a park) so they had to reschedule.

The shoot took place on Monday, pretty much the last chance they had before the movie had to be edited for the deadline next week. Monday morning Bill's lead actress called in sick, just an hour before they were to shoot. As you know, I was home sick with the kids. I was the last option besides canceling the whole project. So I loaded up the kids, got myself somewhat presentable (I only had 30 minutes to shower and get ready for my first time in front of the camera) and we headed to the park to meet him and the crew. He lined up an intern to watch the kids while we worked.

I'd only read his screenplay once before, but I was pretty familiar with what was going on. Luckily for me, I also knew the male lead, Matt Arden, one of Bill's coworkers who does on-air commentary.

I wish I could say I was nervous, but I was actually pretty calm. The script worked out well in that I only had to do short bits of lines before the shot had to be changed. At one point, Matt and I got into a fit of giggles but we recovered in enough time not to waste the camera or audio guys' time. Speaking of those guys, they were incredibly helpful and nice. I'm so thankful to them for their patience with me. It was not only my first time in front of the camera, but also my first time acting. I've never even been in a school play. I've done clowning shows, and I modeled a bit as a teen, but nothing like this where I had to actually act.

Or not act. To be honest, I tried my best not to act at all. Just to say the lines as I would have had I been the character. Sounds obvious, but I'm used to clown shows where EVERYTHING is exaggerated: facial expressions, hand movements, speech. It was a stretch for me to actually be realistic and subtle.

My only nervousness is now, wondering what the whole thing will look like. I didn't get to see any of the rough shots of myself, so I have no idea what I looked like, how I sounded, or how big that one zit was (they got pretty close on a couple of shots). I'm anxious to see the tape when it's done being edited.

Unfortunately, since it's an inter-office film festival, I won't actually get to go to the viewing to see it on the big screen. I'm hoping Bill finds a way to sneak me in, although, in truth I'm not sure how I'll feel about seeing my big mug stretched across a giant screen at the Fox Theater. Maybe it will be better to watch it at home on the TV where I can curl up on the couch and watch between my fingers, like a horror film.

And the girls? They were AMAZING during the whole 5 hour shoot. They played in far end of the park and Lauren, Bill's intern, said they didn't cry or get fussy once.

In all, I'm thankful to Bill for giving me the opportunity. Sounds cheesy, but I never-in-a-million-years thought I would have the chance to do something like this. I know it wasn't the ideal situation for Bill (he had an ACTUAL actress in the role originally) but he at least helped me cross one more thing off my list of things to do before I die.

I'll post the video as soon as it's done... I think. It depends on just how embarrassed I am.

Drove back from Indiana Saturday night. Spent all day yesterday on the couch. Feel like crap. Both girls are sick. Lots of hacking and coughing and all-around yuckiness. No energy to unpack. Watched Dora's movie special for the 20th time.

So glad to be home.

My little Irish twins.

We're heading to Indiana for two weeks. We're leaving tonight around 10pm. We've never driven overnight before, but with two very active toddlers it looks like this might be our best option. We bought car DVD players as a backup. Now the only obstacle is making sure Bill and I are able to do the drive. We're taking turns and will hopefully get naps in between. The good thing is that we'll get there tomorrow morning and can just hand the girls off to Bill's parents, who are only too happy to spend lots of time with them. Then, Bill and I can nap and hopefully get back on schedule.

Wish us luck on the 12-13 hour drive. I probably won't be posting much while we're gone, but I'm sure I'll have lots to write about when we return.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I wasn't tagged, but I saw this on another blog and decided to continue it myself:

Name Game - What are your kids' names and why did you choose them?

Madeleine Elise ("Maddie")
Bill and I had been dating for about 5 years before we had Maddie. We'd done that couples thing where you talk about your future kids' names. We never knew for a boy, but it was decided right away that our girl would be Madeleine. We both loved the name. That was well before we knew how popular it would become. We now meet at least 4 Maddie's a day -- half of them Madeleines.

We didn't know if we were having a boy or girl ahead of time with Maddie, so we tried to have names ready for either gender. We had a boy name ready, but couldn't agree on a middle name for Madeleine. When I went into labor, we stayed at home the first few hours until it was time to go to the hospital. To pass the time, Bill and I played a game of Trivial Pursuit. We both love the game and get very competitive about it. We decided to play for naming rights for a middle name for a girl.

For obvious reasons (I was in labor and was contracting every few minutes -- my mind was elsewhere!) Bill won. He decided on Elise. It's after "A Letter to Elise," the name of a Cure song that he really liked. He even put it on a mix tape he made for me when we first started dating. The words of the song don't have any connection to Maddie, but it was a song he and I shared a love for when we first met. And it's kind of related to the name Alecia.

Josephine Maeve ("Josie")
Josephine was the name of Bill's dad's mother. Bill was very close to his grandmother and she played a large part in how he became the person he is today. Also, she played a posthumous role in getting Bill and I together. We had been sort of seeing each other for a few weeks when his grandmother passed away. He needed to get home to her funeral but his car was completely broken down. I offered to let him take my car. You wouldn't know this about me, but I had never even let anyone else drive my car up to that point. And there I was, offering it up to this guy I was seeing without any fear of my car being stolen and never seeing him again. I knew in that instant that my feelings for him were more than even I could understand. Josephine is an old-fashioned name for a little girl, but we thought it was beautiful and Josie was such a cute nickname (saying Maddie and Josie just kind of rolled off the tongue.)

Maeve is a name we both liked. I love it and always thought it was a beautiful name for a little girl. It's Irish so it fits well with our last name. I wanted so badly to name her Maeve Josephine. It didn't flow well, but we joked about calling her MJ (like Mary Jane in Spiderman.) We toyed back and forth with the order of the names and came to a decision about Maeve. I even wrote it in her baby book. Then, a week before Josie was born, we told our parents about the name Maeve (Josephine was going to be a surprise for his dad). My mother immediately wondered why we would want to name our daughter Mauve. Isn't that a color? Other family members just stared at us blankly. So we decided to use Maeve as her middle name. I still sometimes wish we had used it for her first name, but then I look at her and Josie just fits her so well. It's funny to me now to go back and look at her baby book with the name "Maeve" written in it and then "Josephine" squeezed in before it.

Okay, so that's my name game. Now I am tagging Loralee, Candice, Heather, the other Heather, Seth and whoever else reads this!

My first introduction to Maddie.

When I was pregnant with Maddie, my first, I followed everything to the letter. By the end of the pregnancy I'd read nearly every baby book out there. I tend to get obsessive with studying and researching things, and pregnancy was my pet project for 9 months. By the time I went into labor, I was a near-expert on everything from the physiology of my pregnant body to how to handle the actual labor and birth. I thought I knew and was prepared for everything. I had a birth plan. I didn't plan on taking any drugs -- natural birth for me (my mom laughed out loud when I told her, btw.) I had even worked with my husband on the Bradley method, wherein he would guide me through meditation to get through the rough spots. Bags were packed weeks in advance. The nursery was done well before my 5th month.

I didn't plan for all of my preparations to go out the window. I was in labor for 32 hours with Maddie, resulting in an emergency c-section. Afterwards, I was so knocked out on drugs that I just remember grunting and smiling when they first showed her to me. In post-op, when I got to hold her for the first time, I was just a ball of mushiness. The pictures are actually pretty funny. There I am, holding Maddie to my chest. I'm looking up at the camera with a silly grin and nearly crossed eyes. Ugggggggggggh. Not the picture of maternal beauty I'd anticipated.

Once we got back to the room and the drugs had worn off a little, I was able to actually look at her and study her little face. So sweet. So beautiful. I was in awe.

I was also drenched in sweat. Apparently, I had gotten an infection during the c-section and my body was working hard on getting rid of it. I poured sweat, literally, for about 3 days. Friends and family came to the hospital to visit and I just sat there, dripping in sweat. Again, not the maternal beauty I'd pictured.

And there was one other thing I hadn't anticipated. During my 9 months of intense study, I hadn't covered this area at all: What to do with the baby after she was born. I knew all about what sounds she could hear in the womb, about how I was supposed to sleep at night, what to anticipate with each month of pregnancy, the signs of labor, etc. But I hadn't read a single thing about what to do with an actual baby once it was born.

Bill stayed with me at the hospital the first night and we realized we both had no idea what we were doing. But we got through the night and Maddie slept in the little bassinet next to my bed. The second night, realizing he hadn't really slept in days, I sent him home for a good meal and a night in our own bed. That night was the first night I panicked. I had no idea what I was doing. I tried to comfort her when she cried. Nothing seemed to work. She'd sleep for a while on my chest, but then wake up screaming. What made it even more stressful was that she was doing this all night long. I was so worried I was waking up all the other new moms, whose babies were apparently sleeping silently next to them, that I stressed myself out to the point of tears.

Once we got Maddie home, the chaos continued. I was breastfeeding and she was hungry ALL THE TIME. I couldn't feed her enough. She'd cry and I'd yank out a boob. It seemed like I was doing that every 45 minutes. I was exhausted after the 2nd day. My sister-in-law, who was staying with us for a few days, suggested putting Maddie on a feeding schedule. What? Huh? You can do that? Awesome! She still cried between feedings but I started to have some structure to my day.

Actually, Maddie cried for about 3 more months, nonstop. She had colic and nothing we tried could get her to stop crying. Eventually, I found the book "Happiest Baby on the Block" on Amazon.com and ran out to the bookstore to buy it. I finished the book that night in about 2 hours. To this day Bill and I still call this book our lifesaver. The "5 S's" were a Godsend. We finally got Maddie to stop crying and sleep longer stretches of time. I still recommend the book and usually give it as presents at baby showers, along with a swaddling blanket.

Since then, I've tried to catch up on my knowledge of what to actually do with the baby once she's born. Things were going okay. The baby and toddler years were fine. But now that Maddie's a preschooler, the rules have changed. I now have a little girl who talks back to me. She has just enough knowledge and skill to argue with me.
I have no idea how to handle this. I thought I wouldn't have to be dealing with this, to this extent, until she was a teenager. So now I'm in panic mode and trying to "study" how to get out of this situation alive. The problem is that I'm really past the point of studying these things. I know I've got to rely on my instinct from here on out, but that scares me to death. Because I don't trust my own instincts. I wish I could. The part of me that wants to reach out and hug her and reassure her when she's acting out is clouded by the little voice (okay, my mom's voice) in the back of my head telling me that I better get this under control now or she'll be a horrible person when she gets older. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Or rather, spare the discipline and get a brat.

My mom was pretty strict with us and to this day swears that we were good kids because of this. We didn't get away with anything (okay, my baby sister did, but that was after my brother and I had worn my parents down to the point of surrender). Though I know it's realistically not true, she claims we never acted up in public because we knew better. What does "know better" mean? I'm trying to figure that one out so I can use it with the girls.

I have my mom's voice in the back of my head ALL THE TIME. Every time Maddie acts up, even a little, I hear my mom talking about how people just don't handle their kids these days. In my head, I see that little look she gives, where she raises her eyebrows a little and give me this little grimace. And those things make me want to do whatever I can to make sure Maddie acts nicely. Even to the point that I no longer see her as my little girl, but my project. These things in my head are making me feel more like a disciplinarian than a mother. Lately, I've lost all the joy of spending time with the girls because I'm so busy making sure that they pick up their toys, or ask to be excused from the table, or don't interrupt, or...

Bill comes home and immediately the girls run to him and the three of them giggle and cuddle on the couch and play and I feel so completely left out. I'm resentful of the fact that I'm not the one doing that. I could be, sure. But then I wouldn't be fulfilling my role of being the one who keeps things in order, things in check.

Once upon a time, I was the one who played on the floor with my nieces and nephews. I was the one who made them giggle.

So, with my research skills still intact, I set out on studying how to parent a preschooler. Friends had sworn by BabyWise, which I'd never read. I bought the book PreschoolWise (see sidebar). I got halfway through the book and realized that, rather than helping to ease my fears and give me solutions, I was even more paranoid. Oh crap, Maddie's already 3 and doesn't know how to sit quietly with her hands in her lap. She's going to be a hellion who can't function in society or pay attention to her schoolwork or job. I'll have failed as a parent. Every little thing was blown up in my mind and projected 10-20 years into the future.

I get angry with Bill sometimes because he has never read a single book on pregnancy or birth or baby care. (I take that back: he actually did read a little chapter on what the birth would be like.) Nothing on the developmental stages of a child. Nothing on routine or discipline suggestions for their ages. I consider myself more knowledgeable on these things.

And yet, who is the happier parent? Who is the one the girls run to at the end of the day? Who is the one to whom they never seem to act up or get out of control? WHY is that?

Bill once said that I'm scared of being a mother. Scared too much of making a mistake. It's true. I compare it to dominoes. Any little thing now will determine who they are as they get older.

They talk back to me once now. --> They'll talk back to me all the time as teenagers. --> They'll never be able to keep a job without mouthing off to their boss.--> They won't be able to hold a job and will be lazy slobs.--> Since they can't get a job, they'll resort to nefarious actions, such as robbing banks to pay for the things they need.--> They'll get sucked into a life of crime and end up in jail.--> yadda yadda yadda

See how my mind functions? This, all from a 3 year-old who told me she doesn't WANT to eat her peanut butter and jelly, that she wants cookies instead and I'm a mean mommy.

Why can't I just chill the hell out? I know it's awful and a bad habit to start, but damn if I'm not a better, happier mother when I've had a nice glass of wine every evening. I'm not talking slap-happy drunk. Just buzzed a little. I have friends who actually do have a glass every evening. It's their routine, their mantra. That's cool but I don't trust myself to just let it be something light. As with the girls, I worry about 5 years down the road when I'm an alcoholic who is outcast by her family and whose daughters will write a book about how their mom was a slobbering drunk and was never there for them. See how my mind works?

Anyway, the end result is that I've stopped reading parenting books. I'm trying to be reasonable with my expectations. I'm trying to quiet that little voice (okay, my mom's voice) that makes me feel insecure as a parent. I'm trying to just enjoy the girls for who they are now, and not worry about who they will be 5 years from now. It's hard. Really hard. But I'm trying. And in the process, I'm actually starting to smile a little more.

I've even played on the floor and made the girls giggle a few times.

I took the kids to the mall today. After lunch. Before naptime. Big mistake. I'm so frustrated/flustered/frazzled from the whole experience that I may need to tap into the bottle of wine I'm supposed to take to a friend's house tonight.

When I was growing up we lived next door to a family who had three kids roughly about the same ages as my siblings and I. My mom and Angelica became fast friends. But I always remember my mom talking about how ridiculous it was that Angelica always hired a babysitter to watch her kids so she could go grocery shopping. "Can't she just take her kids with her?" We went EVERYWHERE with my mom and honestly, I don't know how she did it.

Since I've had kids, though, I am completely in Angelica's camp.

I do my grocery shopping after work in the evenings (thank heavens for 24 hour stores!). I can slowly stroll through the aisles and look at ingredients and just enjoy the whole experience. It's cathartic.

Any other errands are taken care of while the girls are in MMO once a week. In those 3 hours I'm more productive than I am all the rest of the week.

When they were babies, Bill and I took the girls everywhere we went. We wanted them to be able to learn how to act in public. Then they started walking. We still take them places, but usually only if we can tag team the whole event. Each of us by ourselves try to stay away from the little monsters who run in opposite directions.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to introduce my children to society again. For now, they're best kept within the four walls of our house.

**Disclaimer: All of this was written before I had my glass of wine. Now I believe that my children are angels and will go with me to the mall all the time. Ahhhhhh.

I took them off one day and they literally just snapped in half. Clean break.

I must be taking a cue from Josie, whose glasses don't seem to stay in one piece longer than a month.