Haves and Have-nots

I'm the oldest of three kids. When we were really young, our family was very well-off, financially. We were basically given anything we wanted. We had all the latest toys and clothes. I had a new car at 16, etc.

Soon after, our family unit fell apart and so did the comfortable lifestyle we had been enjoying. We went from the highest of highs to the absolute lowest of lows. I dropped out of college to help pay the utility bills. My brother worked after school in high school to help pay for groceries. I remember going to stand in line for food stamps. My mother, devastated by all of it and bedridden due to surgery that happened simultaneously with everything else, was completely incapacitated.

Unfortunately, all of this meant that my brother and sister were not able to enjoy some of the luxuries that I had enjoyed, being the oldest child. I feel pangs of regret for the fact that they had to watch me enjoy such nice things, and then along with the upset of their childhoods, they also had to endure the knowledge that they wouldn't be enjoying those same things as well. I know they still feel some jealousy to this day. And instead of feeling lucky to have those things I did, I feel absolute regret.

That feeling has stuck with me for all this time. I'm still trying to understand these feelings and how they play a part in my interactions with my own kids. I'm adamant that both Maddie and Josie receive the same amount of attention, the same opportunities, the same amount of pictures in the photo albums, and on and on. I can't help it. I even analyze how much attention Bill is giving either child and whether one is being preferred over the other one. Did he kiss Maddie and throw her up in the air when he got home? Did he then go to Josie and do the same thing? I sewed Maddie's birthday dresses for her first and second birthdays, but I bought Josie's. Will she feel like I didn't love her enough to put that time and effort into it?

I realize this issue I have is a bit out of control, but I don't want the girls to ever compare their childhoods and feel like either one was slighted or left out. Yes, things are sometimes out of our control, but I'll forever be measuring the things that are.